i need an outlet~

i need an outlet to speak what's really on my mind. a place i can share things i've learned, my convicitons, my struggles, my victories, things that irritate me, plainly put.....my reality. i just want a place where i can be me. i find myself so often wishing i could just post something on my facebook page, but then i think, "that really isn't the place to say that. not everyone knows you steph and might not be as understanding to where you're coming from." i want to say the funny, unconventional thoughts in my head. i also want to be uncoventionally truthful. i feel i need a refuge for my thoughts. i promise not to say anything terribly offensive and never anything critical or rude, but i cannot promise everything you'll read here you'll like. so please take that in to consideration if you choose to bare this journey with me. i can just promise you'll always get the real me and i hope you'll find that refreshing. you're invited to come along, to share your thoughts. to disagree, disregard, or embrace. i just ask that you always be lovingly honest and refreshlying just YOU.

so, let me start with my first little story:
i was at the gym yesterday and thought i recognized the girl next to me on the treadmill. i asked her if she had signed up for the gold's gym challenge because i thought for sure i'd seen her. she didnt' look too happy that i'd asked, but abliged me with an answer. "no, i'm actually in training for a fitness competition, but i have a couple of clients that are that are doing well." oh jeez. i felt like such an idiot. i realized later if i'd just taken one good look at her, i would have known that wasn't the case. i knew she was probably thinking, "how could you think i was in a weight loss challenge?" hopefully she was more secure than that. who's to know. all i know is if i looked like her, i don't think i'd want to be asked that....because i know how much stinking effort it takes for some of us to look that good.
so i began my cardio i looked down & saw her on the weight floor preparing to do some squats. i felt even worse. she really did look good! she was so well proportioned, healthy, and fit. just the way i wish my body looked and even worse, the way it DID look 8 years ago. talk about a slap in the face. now here's the real me. i felt ashamed and just plain frustrated. it was a reminder that i have tried and failed so many times to get my body back, but i suffer from "undisciplinicity." that's my own word. don't try to look it up. it's a disease of quitting. when it comes to eating and exercise, i've tried and failed so many times i couldn't count. but i dont' want you to feel too bad for me. God and i have been working this out for a while and i believe we're finally getting somewhere. the company rich and i are part of has opened my eyes to so much truth and hope about health and wellness. it's a heritage i want desperately to give my kids. so my movitations are becoming as much about them as they are about me and even more about God.

in closing, i want to use this blog two fold. to speak relevant truth and connect with others and i really think that can be done by just sharing my story. one day at a time. the funny, the sad, the bittersweet, the crazy.....the real me.