reverance, fear, and holiness

i want to bring a challenge to you today because whether i like it or not, i HAVE to share what i'm learning and what God's impressing on my heart. it's like this unstoppable urge to bring everyone along with me. so, what i'm challenged with, i want others to hear too. so i apologize now :O)
something i've been feeling God impressing on my heart for about 2 years now is the word "holiness." it's one of those words that doesn't get thrown around in conversation very often. right along with reverance and fear. i think in these modern times we stray away from what we might consider "Bible terms," as though they don't apply to us. i think in our hearts we know they should, but we feel much more comfortable just leaving them on the pages than actually applying them to our daily lives.
i've been working through"a study of david," so alot of what i'm learning and will share will come from those pages. one thing that stood out to me that beth moore said, is that whenever God has a new day dawning in her life, he also demands a new reverence from her and has something new about his holiness he wants to show her. how true this is in my own life. but whether i respond to it is a different thing all together. i think we have seasons of movement. we can feel it. it demands response, but how many times have we felt that nudge, only to push it away and move forward with things the way they have always been....right where we're comfortable. this is where the challenge would come. we have to take God's command to come out and be seperate seriously. at some point we have to make a decision to follow. to not allow others, whether the Godless or even Christians, be our standard. how many times do we justify or gauge our lives by others. just because others may get away with irreverance, does not mean God is any less holy. in beth moore's study, she makes this statement, "we are sometimes tempted to measure our respect for God bythe lack of respect surrounding us. the godless however are not our standard. God is." i don't know how many times i've made the statement that we as Christians have a tendancy to look at our lives and pen a mark on our measuring stick and then look down to compare it to the mark of others, whether it's the world or the church. God's challenge looks a little different. try looking up. don't be afraid to see where God's mark is. it can be a bit intimadating if we see it as a climb we have to make ourselves, but if we see that the way to get there is only through the empowerment of the Holy spirit, we can see the hope of being like Christ. it's just like our pastor said a few weeks back, when we fulfill our responsibilities as believers, we have a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. we are living out who we were created to be. so many of us are stuck. i mean, how many of you actually spend time with God on a daily basis? be honest. now, if you're answer is rare, why do you think that's acceptable? as a new creation, given new life, expecting God's blessing and protection in our lives, why are we so quick to spend the least amount of time with the giver of those things. not that we should spend time with Him because of what we get, but because we love Him. we have hope of eternal life thanks to His son's sacrifice. that in and of itself is enough to spend the rest of our lives in worship and thanksgiving. instead, we give push back on commands like reverance, holiness, and fear. according to my own experience, we fear the unknown and are uncomfortable with vulnerability. we aren't practiced or trained in these things. in order to have freedom to fear God, revere Him, and strive for holiness, we have to be completely vulnerable. we HAVE to let go. we have to give Him room to change us. in order to walk out in these freedoms we have to take seriously our position as ,"a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation," (1 peter 2:9) i love my Bible. it has these awesome study tools called kindom dynamics. in one of them they make this statement." true authority is always related to a walk in purity and a constancy in worship. the spirit of worship is essental to all advance of the kingdom." ugh. how many of us really want to hear that? maybe on sunday morning, but how about on thursday afternoon when we are rounding up the kids and they are NOT cooperating. or maybe when a perfect stranger rudely cuts in front of us. how about when you're co workers are speaking of innappropriate things or gossipping about the boss. how about when your girlfriends are being critical of another woman's outter appearance. not those times. that's too much to ask of us.
so i conclude with this. we like the lessons and truths to be wrapped up in a pretty package on sunday morning. we like words like fear of God, reverence, and holiness coming out of the pastors mouth or presented in a beautiful melody, but when it comes to our personal lives, we want God to butt out. we want to live as we think we know best, just a few steps ahead of everyone else. but when life throws us a curve ball and we find ourelves in trouble, then we certainly expect God to come swooping down to rescue us.
now i can be a bit sarcastic and harsh with my words, but please know, i'm preachin to the choir here. i'm disgusted with my lack of reverance at times. with my own inability to allow God complete access to my heart, mind, and soul. but i have hope. i know God is good, kind, gracious, and only has plans to prosper me no matter the circumstance i may find myself in. and more than anything, i just want him to be proud of me. i want him to be able to trust me with more. i want others to want to know him as a result of knowing me. i want to love Jesus more today than yesterday. and i certainly hope all this for you.
i hope you're challenged today and i hope you choose the better life. the narrow, but most fulfilling path.
blessings
stephanie

who do i think i'm not?

.......who do i think i'm not? many days i've thought i'm not a good mother, friend, daughter, wife, and Christian. but thinking that is what holds me back from being good at those things. if i could stop focusing on my failures and see myself through God's eyes, i'd be that much closer to my destination. i look at opportunities and my first thought at times can be prideful. sure, i can do that. i'm capable. then fear sets in and i realize, no, i'm not. i cannot do that. i'm a failure. this is where the enemy sets up camp. but if i'm wise, i remember that he does not control my destiny and he is not the author of my life, God is. if i can grasp that truth and recieve it deep in to my soul, then all of a sudden i see hope in all the things i think i'm not. this is where i can get excited. all of sudden, they become a challenge. an opportunity to be better. a chance to let the Holy spirit flow through me and do incredible, miraculous things. THIS is where it gets interesting and where it may not be easy, but will be worth it. so today, i'm not thinking about all the things i'm not, i'm just giving myself up to a God who can make me all that and even better. happy soul searching!

i need an outlet~

i need an outlet to speak what's really on my mind. a place i can share things i've learned, my convicitons, my struggles, my victories, things that irritate me, plainly put.....my reality. i just want a place where i can be me. i find myself so often wishing i could just post something on my facebook page, but then i think, "that really isn't the place to say that. not everyone knows you steph and might not be as understanding to where you're coming from." i want to say the funny, unconventional thoughts in my head. i also want to be uncoventionally truthful. i feel i need a refuge for my thoughts. i promise not to say anything terribly offensive and never anything critical or rude, but i cannot promise everything you'll read here you'll like. so please take that in to consideration if you choose to bare this journey with me. i can just promise you'll always get the real me and i hope you'll find that refreshing. you're invited to come along, to share your thoughts. to disagree, disregard, or embrace. i just ask that you always be lovingly honest and refreshlying just YOU.

so, let me start with my first little story:
i was at the gym yesterday and thought i recognized the girl next to me on the treadmill. i asked her if she had signed up for the gold's gym challenge because i thought for sure i'd seen her. she didnt' look too happy that i'd asked, but abliged me with an answer. "no, i'm actually in training for a fitness competition, but i have a couple of clients that are that are doing well." oh jeez. i felt like such an idiot. i realized later if i'd just taken one good look at her, i would have known that wasn't the case. i knew she was probably thinking, "how could you think i was in a weight loss challenge?" hopefully she was more secure than that. who's to know. all i know is if i looked like her, i don't think i'd want to be asked that....because i know how much stinking effort it takes for some of us to look that good.
so i began my cardio i looked down & saw her on the weight floor preparing to do some squats. i felt even worse. she really did look good! she was so well proportioned, healthy, and fit. just the way i wish my body looked and even worse, the way it DID look 8 years ago. talk about a slap in the face. now here's the real me. i felt ashamed and just plain frustrated. it was a reminder that i have tried and failed so many times to get my body back, but i suffer from "undisciplinicity." that's my own word. don't try to look it up. it's a disease of quitting. when it comes to eating and exercise, i've tried and failed so many times i couldn't count. but i dont' want you to feel too bad for me. God and i have been working this out for a while and i believe we're finally getting somewhere. the company rich and i are part of has opened my eyes to so much truth and hope about health and wellness. it's a heritage i want desperately to give my kids. so my movitations are becoming as much about them as they are about me and even more about God.

in closing, i want to use this blog two fold. to speak relevant truth and connect with others and i really think that can be done by just sharing my story. one day at a time. the funny, the sad, the bittersweet, the crazy.....the real me.

the daily grind

i don't know how many times i've had the thought, "how did the women of the past do it? day in, day out. no change. no breaks. just hard work every day." i'm speaking of course, of the women say, a hundred years ago. every time i feel overwhelmed, overworked, underappreciated, exhausted, wasted, frustrated, or just plain whiny, these women come to mind. how is it they found value and joy in their lives? i imagine their days went something like this:
get up with the sun. if it's cold out, stoke the fire. start to prepare food for breakfast. (nothing instant then). go out to milk the cow for fresh milk. get the kids dressed and fed while preparing lunches for school. maybe send some off to school, while a little one or two stayed home. then clean, work the farm, prepare more meals....repeat, repeat.
you get the picture. the point is, most likely their homes were probabaly about a 1/4 of what most of us have. there was no escaping little ones. there was no hotly pursued "me time." most likely the idea of "girl time" was rare once married. so what's the difference in them and us? well, i definately think it's perspective & training. women grew up knowing what to expect. they saw their mom do it & they knew it was what they would do. i think they also had to keep their head in the game. no "woe is me," for those women. there was no time for that. it was survival of the fittest. but as i sat at the end of a long day, having done all the duties by myself from 7am - 9am, another idea occurred to me. maybe it was the lack of distraction. a lack of people, things, and opportunities to distract them. no tv to tell them about the latest and greatest or to tell them all the things they were missing out on. no malls or catalogues to tempt their senses. no internet to feed their lusts (for things of course :O) or steal their time. it was just them, their husband, and their kids. they worked as a team. one unit. every one did their part. there was no other way.
i'm not saying they had it better. i'm not saying we do either. i just know that at times i can find myself thinking thoughts of disappointment in my life and yet it would seem i have so much more than they did. but then again do i? opportunity, money, furniture, nice home, 2 vehicles, and a pantry full of ready to serve food. do all those things constitute better? i'd say yes and no. with the life i live, i get to enjoy time with my children and peope i love. i have the ability to serve and do things i love. but they can also be what steal my joy. they can be a vice that at times strangle the joy right out. so what's the balance?
i guess simplifying is the key. i can still enjoy the blessings and bounty of living in this modern age and at the same time remember my roots and the One that actually gives life. figuring out what's worth watering and making sure that the majority of my time is spent there. that will give me balance and value.
at least i know one day, i'll meet those great women in heaven and really have the answers to my questions.

who we were or who we are?

in the past couple months, i've ran into 4 different people at church from my past. these are people that came to broadway avenue baptist church when my dad was still the pastor and pastor love was our youth pastor. when the auditorium faced east/west and the pulpit was on the east side. i'm always taken by surprise to run into people from the past, but i really shouldn't be. i think as we get older, we are always looking backwards to find something to identify with. when we're young we are just who we are. who we want to be. no stress. no cares. no responsibilities. when we grow up we change, mostly because it's expected. sometimes it's the people around us that expect the most, that we find ourselves changing for. eventually we are something different. that change isn't always bad, unless we begin to change against our better judgement. if we begin to uproot our souls. if we begin to chase the things of the world. other people's approval. job promotions. or maybe we compromise just a little at at time. maybe we become something for someone else because we are insecure. whatever the reason....we change. then one day we find ourselves at a turning point. things don't turn out as we planned. we stop and ask ourselves how we got here and then? we look back. we start trying desperately to find something to identify with. something or someone we can find our old selves in again. reconnect with the things in our past that help us to regain some of that person we used to be. so i get it. i understand why the church is that for so many people. it was that for me. it was what i feared the most and needed the most all at the same time. coming back to broadway was so hard for me because of the people i'd let down and hurt. yet it was the foundation that never moved. the people continued to love and the doors continued to be open. just as they should. as i came back to the Lord i had to figure out how i would become the person i was created to be and never have to look back again. i came up with a bit of a metaphor that makes sense to me. my relationship with God is grown through his Word and prayer. think of it like my wedding ring. my ring has what's called a pressure setting. two sides press firmly to suspend the diamond. i'm the diamond (i like this part of the metaphor)....and the two sides are God's word and prayer. there must be constant pressure. the relationship of the three are inseparable. if there is any kind of loosening, the diamond is in danger of falling out. possibly being lost forever. that's how i feel. if i don't spend time with the Lord in study and prayer, i'm jeopardizing my spiritual life. when they are loose and faulty and inconsistent, i become the same. luckily, unlike my ring, tightening the pressure in our spiritual lives is all up to us and relatively easy. it takes discipline and desire. if those are not things you think you possess, God will give them to you as you spend time with him. as our pastor has been saying over the last couple months, we are new creations. all things passed away, all things become new. so do what you have to do to find that new creation, for the first time, or once again. but find it and hold tightly and never look back again.

BEING MOM

if you'd tried to tell me four years ago how wonderful being a mom would be, there's no way i would have been able to believe you. my mom used to always say, "you won't know love till you have one of your own." i couldn't comprehend that til i held rykon in my arms. in all honesty, until i had my own babies, i couldn't really even grasp how God could love me the way the Bible said He did. i will never be able to express my gratitude for the blessing of my children. my journey started w/the unexpected blessing of an amazing husband and continues now through two amazing children.

things have certainly changed in my life in a year. last mother's day, i was pregnant, tired, sick, and completely overwhelmed by financial stress. i was battling such oppression (a result of almost three years of absolute struggle). but then summer came, bringing w/it not only a new season of sunshine, but a new season of life. july brought to me my sweet baby girl and a new home. the past nine months have been some of the happiest of my life. i try so hard to live each day in little moments of gratitude. it's not always easy because satan is right there, whispering in my ear a reason to complain or feel sorry for myself. but when i get my sites back on the Lord and i take a long look at my life, i can easily pull myself together and remember who i am and what i've been given.

i love my children. i adore them. they are a constant gift to behold. each day they bring me knew memories, laughs, smiles, and tears. i could kiss their sweet, soft little faces for the rest of my life and never bore of it. i'm completely overwhelmed by the responsibility of it all yet completely grateful that God has entrusted these to precious gifts to me.

i don't think i could have this perspective if it wasn't for my mom's influence. she's always been a pillar of strength and wisdom for me. she's steady and unwavering. she's honest and kind. she is my best friend and my biggest fan. she has given me hope and strength to keep going at times when i didn't want to. she has been a provider, caretaker, teacher, mentor, and so much more. i love her w/all my heart and cherish every day i get to spend time with or talk with her.

so Sunday is mothers day in two ways for me. it's my opportunity to express my adoration and love for my mom, but it's also a time of worship and thanksgiving for the gift of motherhood.

i will never be the same and i'm so glad for that.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

heartbroken

my heart hurts today. i have a close friend who's spouse is about to tell their children that they are filing for divorce. it's not fair. it's times like this i have to lean on what i DO know about god. i have to remember that we have free will and we can choose to live our lives for ourselves or for god. it seems such an easy choice, but it absolutely is not on a daily basis. i want to grab those children and run with them straight to the father's arms so they'll know the peace that He gives, that they'll know, from an eternal perspective...it WILL be ok some day. but for right now, it burns. it's a pain deeper than i've known and i have known some deep pain. but i can't imagine there are too many things more painful than being completely unable to save the one thing that gives you the most security as a child.
over the last few years, i've seen one family after another split up. the reasons are many and they're all devastating. these were people just like me and just like you, but somewhere along the way, they stopped listening. they started letting their eyes wonder. they didn't submit themselves to the holy spirit as it nudged them gently....beckoning them to follow him. to stay away from the other options. it can happen to any of us. maybe some of us have been right there. i just know that the only way my family has a chance is to keep my knees to the earth, bowed before God, in complete submission. striving to live a life of holiness. it's hard and takes a strength beyond me, & that is why i'm thankful we have the holy spirit.
please pray for these families. pray for reconciliation. for complete restoration. pray for the families in your church, neighborhood, community. there's a war going on and personally, i'm just plain sick of it.